Is it possible you may be co-parenting with a narcissist? What is a Narcissist? A narcissist is a person with a personality disorder with a long pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, a person who has an excessive need for admiration and also has a lack of empathy. Medical diagnoses are listed in a manual called the DSM. The DSM stands for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5). This manual has defined a narcissist as having the following traits:
Narcissists are controlling, they seem unaware of others’ needs or how their behavior affects others. They are often intolerant of others’ views and will use various strategies to protect themselves at the expense of others. They will insult and blame others, and heaven help the person that gives them negative feedback! Then they turn angry and hostile. Since the narcissist’s fragile ego cannot accept criticism (even if you didn’t intend it to be a criticism), they will feel humiliation easier and react with angry outbursts. Their rage isn’t the normal reaction for what was done to them and they’ll often try to seek revenge. And wow, you married this person. Of course, it doesn’t do any good to point that out, you’ve already realized what a big mistake this was, but what do you do now? Our courts are filled with narcissistic parents and their ex-spouses. The lawyers grapple with the problem and the courts are just unable to micromanage your case in such a way to keep you sane. Here are some steps that we use however to limit the craziness the other parent will expose you to. It doesn’t eliminate the problems altogether, but you can control it somewhat. Steps to Survive Co-parenting with a Narcissist Step 1. Keep your communications short. You’ll notice that by the end of every phone call, you’ve achieved nothing and you are aggravated. The phone call (or email) went that way because they are looking to fight, and not to resolve anything. You’ll say something that is essentially not a big deal, but they’ll take it the wrong way. And then you start defending yourself and the whole thing slips down a slippery slope. Why do it? Don’t engage. It takes two to fight, so just send the information you need to send and refuse to engage. The shorter your communication is the better. Step 2. Talk about the children only. You’ll often notice that you called to tell her that you are running 5 minutes late and within seconds, you are discussing how you cheated on her and how you’ve ruined the family. What?!! Don’t let it happen. The minute it turns into something else besides why you called, hang up. The minute the conversation turns to something about you and the marriage personally, hang up. Just hang up, you’ll be so happy you did, and now you are in control, not your ex-spouse. Step 3. Never let them see you sweat. The minute you let them see that you are bothered by what they say, it will only continue. It just adds fuel to the fire. Don’t engage and don’t get mad. You have to realize what you are dealing with, and sometimes you just have to laugh at it. Laugh and walk away. You take all of their power when you aren’t bothered by what they say. Step 4. Think like a lawyer. Good lawyers write everything down. Why? Because we want a record of what was said. Narcissists will always turn things around and you’ll find that you were never right. To combat that, keep a record. Even if you’ve just had a phone call. Lawyers do this all the time. After the phone call, you’ll notice that oftentimes they’ll write to you and say essentially what you just talked about. Writing it down also lets you address someone hearing it incorrectly or misunderstanding. “Just to make sure we are all on the same page, you’ve agreed to pick up the kids at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow and I’ll have them ready at the library for the pickup. Please let me know if I’ve got this wrong.” Then you have proof about the details, which can be important if something goes wrong later. No matter how nasty the response is, keep in mind that the court will likely read this, so keep it clean. Keep in simple. Keep it short. Step 5. Don’t talk badly about the other parent in front of your children, or where the children can hear you. Parents want to include their kids in conversations that have nothing to do with them. Do everyone a favor and get yourself a therapist or best friend, because you shouldn’t be talking to your kids about their narcissistic parent. You will need to vent, that is for sure, just don’t do it with your child. If your child says something to you which you know is incorrect (“Mommy, why did you break up your marriage? Now we don’t get to see daddy for Christmas.), then just tell them that your marriage is none of their business. If it persists, you’ll need to get a petition before the court to stop the other parent from discussing your case or your marriage with your child. But don’t engage in the same type of bad behavior. Step 6. Don’t take the bait. When a narcissist cannot get you to respond (since you’ve been taking my advice) to their voicemails or emails, they’ll try and get you to respond through their actions. I had a case where the mom was a health food nut and she bought all organic type foods for her children. They weren’t allowed sugar or lots of bread. Dad, of course, knew this and every parenting time he had, he loads them up with junk food. There really isn’t anything she can do about it. …Or letting them stay up late when you want them sleeping by 8:00. You have to let this stuff roll off your back because the court isn’t going to do anything about it unless your child has a medical condition that doesn’t allow for the child to be fed that type of food. If the behavior isn’t risking their lives, let it go and don’t take the bait to engage with him. It is exactly what he wants. Step 7. Set healthy boundaries. The narcissist likes to mess with your time with the children. I see this type of behavior mostly out of the parent who has the children most of the time. The parent with the most time often texts and calls the children when they are in your care-excessively. To stop it, sometimes you have to take your child’s phone away, which isn’t giving you any awards with your child. But it has to be stopped and controlled. This is a problem the court can control, but typical orders allow the child to communicate with the other parent as much as they want. If you’ve got a teenager who spends all of their time on the phone texting his mother during your time, you clearly have a problem. If court orders don’t help and you aren’t able to effectively communicate with your child about it, you should be looking to have some therapy time set up between you and your child. In conclusion, it isn’t fun to co-parent with a narcissistic parent, but you can do some things to alleviate the pain. Have a good parenting agreement drawn up and keep your conversations (or better yet, emails) short. Take control and don’t get emotional. Make it business. It’s unfortunate that it has to be this way, but you’ve got to have a little sanity too. If you are having issues co-parenting with your ex and there are signs of a mental condition like narcissistic personality disorder be sure to seek advice from an experienced custody lawyer can help. Contact Anderson & Boback today to speak with one of our family law attorneys so you can discuss issues related to co-parenting with a narcissist. THIS ARTICLE WAS PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED AT:https://illinoislawforyou.com/child-custody-visitation/co-parenting-with-a-narcissist/
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I WORK FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AND COULD NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT DURING THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN. I AM STILL BEHIND, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
One issue that many parents were worried about during the government shutdown was falling behind on child support. The last government shutdown was the longest government shutdown in U.S. history lasting 35 days from December 22, 2018, and ending on January 25, 2019. During that time over 800,000 individuals missed paychecks. Many news articles focused on not being able to pay rent or mortgage. If you were one of the 800,000 plus individuals who did not receive a paycheck, you may not have been able to pay child support. Now that you are working again, what can you do to catch up and minimize the damage? Child Support Modification When You Can’t Pay Child support is a state issue and as such, is governed by state statutes. In Illinois, non-custodial parents have a duty to support their children. If you cannot afford to pay child support in Illinois, you can ask the Court for a modification. You do that filing a Motion to Modify. The key about asking to modify child support is to get the motion on file right away since motions to modify can only be granted back to the date of filing. Therefore, if you did not file a motion to modify while you were not receiving a paycheck, you cannot now file a motion to modify because you no longer qualify for a modification. Modify Child Support or Seek Agreement with the Custodial Parent If you did not file a motion to modify, the best thing to do is speak to the custodial parent and try to work out an agreement as to how to make up the back amounts. It is important that any agreement you reach be in writing and, if possible, approved by the judge. Without Court approval, it will be difficult to enforce any agreement. Unfortunately, if you did not file a Motion to Modify or Abate Child Support while you were not receiving funds, there is no way to go back and discharge what was owed. So, you are reliant on the custodial parent to negotiate in good faith. It is best to start working on an agreement quickly, as once the custodial parent files a Petition for Rule (contempt) in court, you are at the mercy of the judge and could be responsible for the other parent’s attorneys fees and costs as well as back child support. If you did file a motion to modify or abate payments while the shutdown was ongoing, you need to keep up with your child support payments that come due now that you are receiving a paycheck. At this point, it will be up to the judge to determine whether the lack of a paycheck for a period of time entitles you to a modification or abatement. Whether your case is currently pending in front of the court or whether you are trying to work out a child support agreement, it is always best to consult an attorney with expertise in family law and child support. Contact Anderson & Boback to learn the best way to proceed if you fell behind on child support since the government shutdown. THIS ARTICLE WAS PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED AT: https://illinoislawforyou.com/child-support/government-shutdown-behind-child-support/ To modify child support in Illinois, the law has long required that there be a “substantial change in circumstances”. A substantial change in circumstances is defined, somewhat, by the statute, and it may include:
Effect of the 2017 Change in Illinois Child Support Law As a result, many parties have tried to modify their child support, filing their pleading based upon a substantial change in circumstances, such as their income increasing, in hopes that their support would fall under the new statute and that, while their income increased, their support obligation would decrease. This is not the purpose for which the statute was designed. Judges Are Treat Each Child Support Case Differently Different Judges are treating these cases differently. Some are flat out denying the motions, stating that the pleadings are being filed for an improper purpose. While I have not seen 137 Sanctions ordered based upon any of these filings, it seems that it could open the door for sanctions if the pleading is found to be filed for an improper purpose. Some Child Support Amounts Could Increase Instead of Decrease Some Judges are granting the motions and lowering the child support amounts, however, they are deviating child support upwards to reflect an amount similar to what child support would have been under the old support statute. The rationale here is that the minor child(ren) are used to a certain amount of support and have the same needs, so they will deviate the support upwards to make sure their needs are met. This is wholly proper and allowed under the statute in Illinois as well. If Your Income Increases You Can File to Modify Child Support In sum, yes, one can file a motion to modify child support under the new statute if their income has increased. Under the old statute, usually, the obligee would file for this because it would increase the support obligation. Under the new law, we are seeing the obligor’s filing for this to try and reduce their support obligation. But, in my experience, many Judges are not buying into this argument. Modifying child support is not as easy as many think. There are factors that need to be looked at carefully and all potential outcomes should be considered. Contact Anderson & Boback today to speak with our experienced child support attorneys and determine if you should seek to modify child support. THIS ARTICLE WAS PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED AT: https://illinoislawforyou.com/child-support-modification/basis-modify-child-support-substantial-change/ A common question we hear from is whether or not a parent can relocate with children after a divorce. With globalization and a more mobile population, individuals commonly relocate for work or to be together. Many times, this means leaving a family and support system behind. While this may work when things are going well in your marriage, it can make dissolving the marriage extra difficult, especially with children. Many times, when a couple dissolves their marriage, one of the spouses will desire extra help and may look to relocate to be closer to family and a support system. Other times, relocating to advance their career is important especially when parents are no longer together. In either scenario, this creates a delicate situation.
Starting the Process to Relocate With Children Post-Divorce To begin the relocation process, the parent wishing to relocate must send written notice to the other parent. A copy of the notice must be filed with the Court. In most cases, this notice must be filed at least 60 days prior to the intended relocation. If the other parent consents, they need to sign the notice and the relocating parent must file the signed notice with the Court. Once this occurs, the relocating parent may relocate without any further Court action. However, if the non-relocating parent does not consent, the Court will need to make a determination prior to the relocation. Relocation Based on Child’s Best Interests The new relocation statute became effective on January 1, 2016. 750 ILCS 5/609.2. A court’s determination of relocation of a child is based on the child’s best interests. 750 ILCS 5/609.2(g). In determining the best interests of the child, the trial court considers the following relevant factors:
Relocation When Other Parent Fails to Exercise Parenting Time Based on Illinois case law, Courts tend to grant relocation in cases where the other parent fails to exercise their parenting time. If the other parent regularly participates in parenting time, the Court will be reluctant to allow relocation. Especially if the child has family in Illinois. Although pursuant to the statute, the notice does not need to be provided more than sixty (60) days, you should give the notice as soon as possible. It is important to discuss a potential move with the other parent. It is also a good idea to go through the statute and think about the factors and the pluses and minuses in your favor. The best-case scenario when a divorced parent wants to relocate with children is to talk to the other parent and try to reach an agreement. If the other parent will not agree, it is important to seek legal guidance from an experienced relocation attorney. THIS ARTICLE WAS PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED AT: https://illinoislawforyou.com/child-relocation/relocate-with-children-after-divorce/ If it can save you time and money to settle your divorce, would that make a difference? Most people will agree that time and money are top concerns during a divorce. And, if there’s a way to save either time or money during a divorce, it is worth some considering.
How do you save time and money in a divorce? The simple answer is that you reach an agreement with your spouse. You have to look at litigation and going to trial as a last resort. Both litigation and trial can be expensive and both can be time-consuming. Not to mention you and your spouse are leaving it in the judge’s hands to make the final decision if you cannot come to an agreement. Trial and litigation can mean less control since there is no way to know for sure how your judge will rule. If you and your spouse come to an agreement regarding your children and your finances you could wind up only having one appearance in court to simply to enter your Judgment for Dissolution of Marriage. On the other hand, a highly litigated divorce could take over a year to finalize. How to Work Towards a Divorce Settlement TAKE THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT ALL THE ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE RESOLVED AND THEN PRIORITIZE THEM. Make a list. What is most important and what is least important. If you were to settle your divorce, what would the ideal divorce settlement look like? What does the worst-case scenario look like? What is a result you could live with? Get comfortable with all of these potential outcomes and then prioritize which issues mean the most to you and work from there. Don’t spend too much time arguing over the little things when you have already determined they are minor issues. Just focus on your biggest goals. Considering Child-related Issues in Your Settlement Do you have children? If so, who will they primarily reside with? Where do you plan on living after the divorce? Can you and your soon-to-be-ex spouse come together for the sake of the children to make joint decisions regarding the most important parts of their lives going forward (education/healthcare, etc.)? If you have children they are going to be your number one concern because they are most important in this process. In fact, the Court wants issues regarding your children to be resolved within a certain time frame. It’s the law. Children need stability. It’s best to focus on these child-related issues before moving forward to financial issues since most parents can agree that their children’s best interests come before anything else. Financial Aspects to Settle Your Divorce Once the children are taken care of the financial aspect of the divorce needs to be resolved. What are the issues that need to be decided? Do assets need to be divided? Is spousal maintenance an issue to resolve? Child Support? Is there debt that must be addressed? Tips to Help You Work Towards Settlement TIP 1: BEFORE ATTEMPTING SETTLEMENT, UNDERSTAND THE LAW AND SEEK LEGAL ADVICE. You want to at least understand the big picture before discussing settlement. Make sure you understand the divorce process. Speak to an attorney to get insight on the reasonableness of your positions. TIP 2: GET IN THE RIGHT MINDSET TO DISCUSS SETTLEMENT. Many people find it very helpful to have a therapist during a divorce. That way emotional needs are separated from legal issues. Settlement discussions are a time to discuss legal issues that need to be resolved. These are the issues that the Judge will decide if you do not reach an agreement. The Judge is not going to be interested in why you are divorcing since Illinois is a no-fault state. TIP 3: SEE IF YOUR SPOUSE IS OPEN TO DISCUSSING SETTLEMENT AND IF NOT BE OPEN TO THE IDEA OF MEDIATION. If you run into problems trying to discuss the legal issues with your spouse, look into mediation. This can be a great tool when divorcing spouses need assistance communicating to reach an agreement. Not everyone knows how to explain themselves and not everyone knows how to listen. Mediation is great in situations where both spouses are serious about resolving their legal issues on their own. TIP 4: WHEN IT COMES TIME TO DISCUSS SETTLEMENT REMEMBER TO BE OPEN TO NEGOTIATING. Remember that settlement can come at any stage of the divorce process. In the best case scenario, you have an agreement before a petition is even filed but do not be discouraged if that is not the case in your divorce. Settlement can be reached before the first court date, after court-ordered mediation, after discovery is exchanged, after a pre-trial conference, before trial, etc. In most cases, if you want a settlement you have to be able to compromise and you have to be reasonable in your negotiating. In an ideal world you get everything you want but in the real world, you have to give to take. This all goes back to prioritizing again. Get an idea of your spouse’s position and how they have prioritized the issues. If an issue is agreed to move on to the next. The more issues that you resolve by agreement the less time and money will be required to finalize your divorce. Be sure to consult with a knowledgeable divorce attorney, especially before finalizing a divorce settlement. Contact Anderson & Boback to speak with one of our family law attorneys so you can discuss how to approach or settle your divorce. THIS ARTICLE WAS PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED AT: https://illinoislawforyou.com/divorce/settle-your-divorce-tips-time-money/ |
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